Don't let me go

A few months ago I felt pretty lonely and isolated, I felt so lost and like my mind was foggy. I cried out lamentations day and night; God was teaching me to trust Him deeper and deeper as I cried out “The Lord is all I have, THEREFORE I have hope.” He was teaching me to believe that having Him alone was a source of hope, not one of distress. He's been bringing me deeper into contentment with Him. Recently He’s been blessing me with direction, new jobs, and new friends (thank you, Jesus!!). Things are still confusing and sometimes lonely, but we’re moving forward - and I’m thankful. Yet still, He’s asking me if He is still enough for me. If I was treating Him as a placeholder for these things I wanted, or if I still firmly believe and function as if He is all I have, if He is the one my hope is in.

A few weeks ago I shared that recently I've felt a bit tired in the pursuit of God, a bit dry towards Him - yet still set on going deeper. At a worship night I attended recently I knelt in the altar offering my praise and love to the Lord, but I felt dry. When we worship its our choice, it does not depend on our feelings - but I'll be quick to admit that I enjoy worship much more when I feel His stirring in my spirit. This was one of those nights where it was simply my choice and emotions weren't boosting it up - and as I sat there thanking Him for what He's been doing, I started to feel this nervousness and fear rise up. All of a sudden the words pouring out of me on repeat were "Lord, don't leave me. Don't let me go." This is when emotion started to come up.

As I checked in with my heart and reminded myself that God will never leave or forsake me, I started to see this fear and dread was not one of me misunderstanding God's faithfulness. I know He is always present. I know He will not abandon His people and that my salvation is secure. But what I feared was His specific, Holy Presence leaving me. In the Old Testament there are stories of God's presence leaving people He had originally dwelt with and gifted in special ways. Men like Samson (Judges 13-16) and King Saul (9-31) had been chosen and empowered by God's Spirit to lead the nation of Israel to safety and closer to God. God equipped and blessed them, and they dishonored Him and what they had been given. God's specific presence and blessing was removed from them. They suffered as they saw what they had done to themselves, and their position of honor was taken from them. This is the holy fear that the Lord reminded me of in that worship night. The holy fear of Yahweh that leads us to honor Him as King of the universe, and to recognize that a life of dishonoring Him can cause the specific presence of His Spirit to withdraw.

As I've been working through the fatigue I feel in my spirit, the importance of the fear of Yahweh continues to come up. Roughly two years ago, I started to notice all the pieces of scripture that instruct us to hold to the fear of the Lord, and since then I've done some light studying of it and found some really amazing speakers that teach well on this subject (1000% recommend you check out Francis Chan, John Bevere, and some of Upperroom's teachings). A passage I've found recently that talks about this (without specifically mentioning it) comes from Leviticus 10:3,

"I will be sanctified through those who are nearest Me, thus I will be honored before the entire people."

God gave this instruction as He gave laws about how the priest should conduct themselves and serve in the temple, they were the ones standing before God and teaching Israel about God. If the priests weren't leading the way in reverence towards God, the nation wouldn't revere Him either. This command was to the priests, but in these last days where we are all called to service of the Most High God, this applies to us as well. We are called to sanctify Him - to set Him apart and above everything else, revere and respect Him, honor Him, be mindful of every single thing in our lives being done in a manner worthy of the calling we have received (Ephesians 4:1). If the people closest to God, the people that call themselves Christ followers, don't respect God, obey Him, and live right before Him - why would we ever expect the rest of the world to show any honor to Him? Why would we expect the world to care about a God we don't even fully listen to or hold in high enough esteem to prioritize our time with Him? Fearing God is remembering who He is - the Creator of the universe that commands all power in heaven and earth - and respecting Him as such.

I've been trying to take a very practical look at my fear of God recently and have been asking Him to show me parts of my life that haven't honored Him or practices I need to mature in. One of these convictions has been about my phone, about the way that I pick it up every single time it buzzes even if I'm in the middle of praying or reading the word. When I meet up with people I make it a point to put my phone away or silence it becasue I want that person to know how much I care about them and our time together - but I wasn't even doing that for God. Oof. I've changed the way I get notifications now, and I try to be disciplined in putting my phone away from me when I spend time with God. He also has brought up somethings I've needed to repent from and ask forgiveness for, and I won't lie, at times this has felt like just another tiring piece of pursuing God. I get tired of getting on my knees and confessing whats not good in me, I get tired of being uncomfortable as I ask for forgiveness - but I fear God. I want to give Him all the respect He is owed, I care about living a life that fully sanctifies Him and worships Him, and I never want to be away from His Holy Presence. I don't want to just say I love God, I want to love God with my actions and a life of reverence.

I'd recommend you check out what the Bible says about the fear of God, and start asking Him to teach it to you. The fear of Yahweh comes from the Holy Spirit, and He loves to lead us into it. A few verses to get you started are Psalm 25:14, Psalm 2:11-12, Proverbs 1 & 2, and Isaiah 11:2.