Take me off the throne

I'll be quick to admit, this is not what I thought my first new blog post would be. I started putting this blog together several weeks ago excited to create a new platform to share what God has already led me through and all that was coming up, and I still am! But already it looks so different, and already I get to practice thanking Him and trusting that His plans will prove far better than mine ever could. I gave myself the deadline of having everything up before I set out for a quick trip to Rwanda serving with my favorite host from the World Race. I'd planned my first post to be sharing that I was heading back out and my excitement for what God would do in that two week outreach - but my flight left two days ago, and I wasn't on it. And something unexpected within me is joyful at that sentence. Lord, You work in such weird ways.

Right after Christmas I came to the conclusion with God that it was time for me to leave the coffee shop I'd been working at for the past few months, and had this deep conviction that He had some things coming up for me. I had some friends to visit and some future plans in the works, but I told my boss I was leaving without much lead on where I was going. The next day my host from Rwanda invited me to join her and a team in a two-week ministry welcoming in the new class of women joining their program - and immediately my spirit cried out yes! That whole week God had been showing me favor and stirring up belief that He was bringing promises into fulfillment soon, and returning to Rwanda is a promise I hold close to my heart. I quickly felt the Lord invite me to accept the trip, and started receiving words of encouragement and prayers from people around me. It all just felt right and purposeful and exciting. But then our familiar friend Covid came around, and two nights before my flight I found myself crying in my car outside of Starbucks (unable to taste my tea) looking at my positive test results and wondering what the heck God was doing.

My attitude towards my life has had some ups and downs since I returned from the World Race 8 months ago. While I was still traveling last year God made it clear to me that when the year was over I was to come home and spend some time really digging into life here, and at first I was really upset about it. For years I had dreamed of and longed for the time God would send me over-seas and into the life of missions I had pictured. I had struggled with this calling, had cried waiting for it, tried to walk away, and sacrificed much to actually step into it as I left for the World Race. And I fell in love with it and who it made me. The intimacy with God, travel, ever-changing cultures, community, and sense of purpose in all the small things that comes with life on the field became an identity piece for me - when I came home I sometimes struggled to figure out who I was without it all. My days and weeks since have sometimes been drastic pendulum swings; some days I'm so excited to be here and so deeply in love with the people in Williamsburg, and other days I've felt so lost, lonely, and so deeply missing who I was last year.

Tuesday night all the excitement, expectation, and hopes I had placed in this trip started to crash around me, and with it God exposed how fragile and self-focused I had become. I sat on my floor and chose to let it all hit me, and in the moments I wanted to shrug it off I chose to go deeper. I'm a big feeler, but I also have an unnervingly easy time shutting the emotions off and choosing numbness. But I wanted to fully feel and lament the fact that I wasn't going back to Rwanda this week because I knew that's where I would find God, and find out why. So for hours I chose to cry, I yelled my questions and doubts to God, and I wrote out huge, ugly, prideful thoughts; and as I came to the end of myself, all I saw was myself. I saw for the thousandth time that I had put myself on the throne of my life, and I saw how it hurt me to live like that. I realized that I was most excited for Rwanda for completely selfish reasons. For just a second I wanted to put back on that piece of me that's exciting and wild and free and radically chasing the heart of God in a way that people can tangibly see. I told people that I was excited to feel like myself again, and I think I really believed that part of me was missing. Glorifying God and serving this ministry had become secondary, I wanted this for me.

This night felt like a crescendo of everything God had been working and refining within me for the past 8 months. I came face to face with the the version of myself that is addicted to excitement and terrified of not feeling important, that clings to the identity piece of cool missionary, that wants to be the center of attention *but in a humble way*, that believes I know better than God and that my plans to glorify Him are better then His plans to glorify Himself. I saw, once again, that most of the reasons I've struggled during these past few months is becasue I keep trying to steal the throne and get butt-hurt when God reminds me it's actually His. I sat there furious with myself, and I came to a place of desperation begging God not to leave me in that state of selfishness. And I don't really know what He did, but He moved in me and through me, and the deepest peace and joy and pure delight came out of those hours of doubt and hurt.

Psalm 42:5 says,

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?

And why have you become restless and disturbed within me?

Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him,

for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence."

All I know is that His presence held me and transformed all my lamenting into praise and I started to cry out "I love that I'm here because it's where You've put me!" and "Thank You, Jesus, that You are on Your throne!" I laid myself bare before Him and asked the Holy Spirit to transform my prideful self into someone who actually trusts and rejoices in God. And somehow He did it so simply and kindly without me realizing it was happening. I don't know why it surprised me how quickly He could change my inner world - but just as David says in this Psalm, simply His presence helped me and brought out praise and hope! I didn't hear or feel anything big or dramatic or even notable, but I knew He was with me and in me. I knew He heard my cry and was present, and the proof of His presence came in transformation and rejoicing. I struggled to sleep that night becasue all I wanted to do was find more pieces of scripture to help me magnify and praise God and His Holiness. Even recounting all this now feels like medicine reviving every part of me as I remember how faithful and kind and perfect my God and King is!

God took me deeper into shalom - the wholeness, rightness, safety, and well-being of right relationship with God - and honestly I'm really thankful that I'm not in Rwanda right now. I'm expectant for the time I will get to go back, but I'm thankful that it isn't now. I'm sure I'm going to have many more moments in my life where God has to remind me that life is better when I trust His plans, but this night feels like a huge step further into reliance, trust, and deep shalom that I wouldn't trade for anything. I believe that these two weeks I thought would be spent in Rwanda are still very intentionally set aside by God, and as I'm getting over the worst of the Covid symptoms I'm starting to ask Him more about what He desires. I hope to keep sharing as this time goes on, but for now I see God teaching me to more deeply love and cherish my life here. To see the grace of His love that doesn't require my performance or an impressive list of things I've accomplished for His kingdom. He is reminding me and settling within me that what He truly desires is a good and faithful servant - and my faithfulness isn't measured by accomplishment. It isn't about how many stamps are in my passport, how many sermons I give, or how many things I sacrifice. My faithfulness is about Him; its about listening to Him everyday and being fully present in what He leads me to. It's about supporting my girls at basketball games and making a fool out of myself at Younglife clubs and coffee-dates and family dinners and testifying in all the big and small ways to the love of Jesus. So I'm not heading to Rwanda right now, and I don't currently have any plans to go anywhere else. I'm settling into the incredibly beautiful and exciting life here in Williamsburg - and I love it. I love how slow Williamsburg is, and I love that God is always showing me His heart for the people here. And I am THANKFUL! So thankful that God kept me here and that He has moved within me to really, truly, deeply be able to appreciate and honor Williamsburg and all that He has here for me.